It was like of string of pearls breaking, Dipika felt her thoughts and her energies scattering like the pearls scattering all over. With her thoughts and energies scattering she was no longer conscious of what she was doing and why.
With Deepak out at SriVasu’s ashram, there were the children to be dropped, grocery to be brought, dinner to be cooked, laundry to be run, dishes to be done amidst her own work. Dipika felt numb, out of syn. She had to do something before she snapped. The children were already feeling the brunt of her stress.
“You are so moody, so terrible, you have made the children’s life miserable” her mother-in-law simpered.
Had she? Dipika wanted to ask her mother-in-law to run the marathon she was running. But now she was tired.
It was like stagnation due to numbness. Like a lull after a period of intense activity. She had got into the rut of mindless routine. Somewhere deep inside Dipika knew that this was a block she had to overcome. It was cyclic. There was no going back. She had to use the still like a pause before the next step. To integrate new energies that had been liberated by her mundane work.
It was the null, she had to rest a while, feed both the body and mind. Find the next level and spurt on it.
This entire refusal to face the mundane, the acceptance that her current life provided no challenge greater than functioning as she had no options but to do this task. It was not like Deepak who could take a few days off to attend to his so called spiritual call. Did it not occur to him that maybe she had that call too? Not that she had it, for Dipika like most women of higher capabilities had found that spiritual reserve within.
Suddenly it occurred to her, it was not her mother-in-law or Deepak it was her. She had to make that stop, assimilate her energy, and put her priorities in order. Maybe when folding that large pile of clothes thank god for them and the roof over their head. Maybe when she let Deepak free expecting nothing from him, she would be free too.
As long as Deepak did not demand her acceptance and participation in the ashram doings, maybe this lets her breathe instead of being strapped under the yoke of convention.